You're the queen of the superficial.

We’re barely out of August, but I’m already back in opaque tights and thinking about my Autumn/Winter wardrobe. Well, to be more specific, I’m thinking about COATS. I didn’t buy a new coat last year, instead recycling the ones I wore from the previous three years (which, usefully, are of varying thickness levels so they keep me going from Autumn to Spring). I know I’ll wear them again this year (I love this one and this one far too much to stop wearing them) but they’re looking a little bit shabby now and, well, I WANT a new one, damnit!

The main reason I didn’t buy a new one last year was because I couldn’t find the ONE. I am such a fussy madam when it comes to clothes – especially the bigger, more expensive items. A good winter coat is so important because you’ll wear it every day for weeks and weeks – there’s a lot of pressure on that one item of clothing to be just right.

So here it is. The perfect coat. The coat to end all coats. The coat I have been hunting for, for god knows how long. The coat I once saw on a random stranger and chased her down the street to ask her where it was from (she got away... curses.). Surely this coat must exist. And if not, why not? Someone make it for me. Please?

Price
I really don't want to spend more than £100 on a coat. Maybe JUST over. But not by much.

Length
Just above the knees, please! Elongating short legs, plus slimming – cutting you off at the second narrowest point of your legs (the narrowest being the ankles, and I am far too short and, er, curvaceous to pull off an ankle length coat. Plus I have no desire to look like I’m a flasher.)

Single Breasted (NOT double breasted)
There are some items that ladies of the larger-chest persuasion should not wear. Double breasted coats are amongst them (as are polonecks). If you’re looking indignantly at your computer screen saying 'Nuh-UH!' er, TRUST ME. They make you look two sizes larger than you are.

Collar
Classic. I like funnel necks but I don’t find them flattering (poloneck effect) and they get hot, too. A classic, lapelled collar will look just as good hanging open as it does closed. And v-necks flatter everyone. Especially me. This is MY perfect coat, you know. Not yours.

Style
Classic. Neat. Timeless. Warm. My style's pretty established by now, so you might not be surprised to know that I want a defined, nipped in waist and an a-line skirt. Maybe pleated. Not a tulip skirt. A proper skirt. I will not compromise.


Colour
RED. Red red red red red red. Not cranberry. Not orange. Not blood red. RED. Fire engine red. True red. RED. Please. (Red.)

Matching Hat
Look, Topshop already sell it! I need it.

Come on, everyone. This coat must exist. Help me find it. If you can... I'm bloomin' fussy and the only thing I'll compromise on is price!